When one moves abroad, it is inevitable that there will always be a good dose of culture shock. One of the first things I learned was that the American outgoing method of dealing with strangers is not the status quo in the Netherlands.
Being from the southern half of the United States, etiquette is something that is brow-beaten into children starting before there is even a firm grasp on walking. Doors are held open for women, chairs are pulled out for them, and there is a general “friendliness” and semi-gregarious attitude that is extended to most others. Complimenting the person at the register on something is welcome, and almost routine. Standing in line at a grocery store and hearing the person ahead of you talk about a family member’s health to the cashier is completely normal.
I tried that here. It doesn’t work. I sometimes still try in the effort to be polite, but it is not generally welcomed. I remember going into a local wine shop, but happened to be interrupting the owner’s lunch. I didn’t speak Dutch at the time, and simply said “smells good” with an accompanying smile. The owner looked at me like I was going to try to steal his lunch. I have not said anything like that since.
For me, I grew up with harshness and acidity cloaked in cloyingly sweet terms. The “Bless Your Heart” B**ches – a typical figure who says “bless her heart” when she really means “f*** her” – was a standard. Growing up with this can make you paranoid about people’s real intentions or meanings, but can give you an edge at diplomacy.
The Dutch are blunt. For Americans, it is almost to the point of rudeness. To the Dutch, the Americans can seem phony and give excessive personal information. After five years here, I can see the benefits and downsides of both. I’ve even become more blunt, and am sometimes a bit too direct for my friends and family in the United States.
This little rant about Dutch vs. U.S. etiquette has a point. In reference to the title of this entry, I couldn’t help but think of that today. “Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister” is a really good book, and offers a pretty good introduction to the Dutch mannerisms, and gives an impression like the title. I also read an entry from another expat here that really brought that quote to life for me.
She described being in a grocery store and her full basket somehow being dropped. As items rolled all over the floor and the expat frantically picked them up, several people rushed over. However, it was not to help her pick things up like I would expect. It was to offer her advice about how to avoid this situation in the future. I retold the story to my Dutchman, and he nodded in agreement and understanding of the actions of his fellow countrymen.
So, the moral of the story is this: the Dutch are admirably honest, but if you go shopping and try on a horrible dress that makes you look fat, there is no sugarcoated answer – it will be yes.